Please Forgive me?
by cicir
Summary: 8ut then something went wrong. horri8ly wrong, and we were all doomed. 8acked into a corner. Stuck like a little fly in the corner of the spider we8, just waiting to 8e eaten. (oneshot, boredom, attempt at Vriska)


It was just... How you lived. How you survived. It's not like I ever actually wanted to. 8ut sometimes you had to do things you h8ted. It's part of living on this shithole planet. And you know what? You learn not to h8 it. You learn to love it, actually. Well, not love, precisely, 8ut you do learn to crave it. When all you know in your life is... is killing people... You get used to it. Hell, I did. I grew to cr8ve that warm 8lood on my hands as I dragged the 8odies... My lusus's next meal... to their f8.

You know, I used to think I was doing them a f8vor. Removing them from their misery, you know? 8etter to 8e fed to a supreme 8eing than keep living. They were all so weak, they would have died soon anyway. Its survival of the fittest on Alternia. I did my jo8. I weeded out the weak. Their pitiful, low8lood attempts at survival only confirmed their f8. I was supposed to kill them. They were supposed to die, and I w8s supp8sed to live! So that's wh8 I did, 8nd I kept d8ing it! I t8ssed my m8rders 8nder things like rev8nge, and h8red! I c8ntr8lled minds, and m8de others kill each 8ther for wh8 I thought would 8e my 8wn entertainment...

I made lovers kill each other. I made someone who I 8elieved t8 8e cl8se to me 8lind themselves. I... I sh8ved the troll I l8ved off the edge of a cliff, screaming "Fly, Pupa, Fly!" ... He didn't... I sh8uldn't have... I j8st... He never did anything. He never took his life into his own hands. He didn't 8elieve in himself... I thought he needed inspiration... He needed inspir8tion t8 get off his 8ss and D8 s8mething!

...

So I gave him that inspiration. That little... push... that he needed.

N8w s8mething th8t you need to 8nderstand is that any8ne wh8 is p8shed like that would g8t 8p and DO something! They w8uld t8ke their l8fe int8 their 8wn h8nds and they w8uld f8ght! That's what I thought he would do... I wasn't expecting him to just... fall...

I guess even 8itches regret things sometimes.

8ut then the game started. I had a second chance. I could prove that I wasn't just a murderous 8itch. I wanted to prove that I was something more. Something worth people's time. I wanted to prove that i was powerful. That I was useful in some sort of way. I wanted to show them that even though I wasn't very good at being nice, they needed me.

And you know what? He and I got along pretty well! I think he might have even forgiven me the slightest bit... I was happy, for even the smallest amount of time, I could smile. And it wasn't that wide ass sarcastic sassy 8itch smile either... He actually made me happy. He showed me that it was okay to 8e myself. or at least I think he did. He forgave me... We even had a 8unch of fun! ::::D We had so much fun, I had forgotten all a8out my previous transgressions.

8ut... they didn't. The law doesn't. Ghosts don't.

They made me pay. And I can't say I didn't deserve it. 8ecause I did. Every last 8roken 8one. Hurt like shit, 8ut I now know that I deserved so much more.

8ack then I didn't. 8ack then all I wanted was an escape. It hurt so much, lying there, 8leeding out. I knew I wouldn't live. I was literally lying on my death 8ed, 8lood everywhere, 8egging him to just... end it... I 8egg8d him t8 kill m8!

And he wouldn't... I didn't forgive him for that... I couldn't. I mean, I know we had just 8ecome friends, and he had finally grown to like me a little, 8ut we 8oth knew I was going to die, and he w8uldn't 8nd my mis8ry!

...

If I look 8ack to it now, I can see that every second I suffered would never add up to how much pain I put him through, but 8ack then I couldn't... I couldn't... I couldn't let it fly. 8ut it's not 8ecause I wanted revenge or anything! No, it was just 8ecause I realized that he still hadn't learned his lesson. Whether I shoved him off a cliff, or died in front of his eyes, he still wouldn't take his life into his own hands!

He just sat there and cried. It was so sad. It was so... aggrav8ing! I just wanted him t8 have p8wer! I just wanted to give the m8n I l8ved the t88ls he need8d to s8rvive this h8rsh w8rld, but...

So I died. On my quest 8ed of course. I'm not an idiot... I came 8ack, of course. Just like I knew I would. And I was so powerful!

...

Theif of Light. It's like the game wanted me to steal and plunder from everyone. 8ut you know what? I used what they gave me the 8est I could. I took my f8 into my own hands. From then on out, I was the most powerful person. I dealt the most damage. I was indispensa8le. Without me, they would have lost hands down. Juggling freak can only do so much.

...

8ut then something went wrong. h8rri8ly wrong, and we were all doomed. 8acked into a corner. Stuck like a little fly in the corner of the spider we8, just waiting to 8e eaten.

Shit happened on that damn meteor. HE tried to kill me. For once, he gained enough 8ravery to stand up against me and fight! 8ut 8y then I had my own plans. I couldn't let myself die for the sake of him 8ettering himself anymore. I hate to say it, 8ut, I had finally given up on him. He wasn't worth it anymore...

I had other irons in the fire.

So I killed him...

I'm not quite sure if I regret that or not. Don't ask me, I don't think I'll ever have the answer.

8ut things from there went from 8ad to worse. We were still stuck. People were dropping like flies, and the 8lind one 8lamed me. 8ut see, I was too 8usy with my own plans.

Some of us were trying to save our f8. Fish 8itch wanted to join that asshole demon. Our great and mighty leader wanted to troll some random humans.

8ut see, I knew what had to 8e done...

I could save them all.

All I had to do was what I always did.

Fight!

I mean, I DID have all the luck. AAAAAAAAll of it!

I could have won. I was just that lucky.

Terezi saw it differently.

Sorry. Smelled.

In her mind, I died a just death. So I did.

Die, I mean.

And now I'm here and I suddenly understand so much more!

I was so stupid.

Yeah I'm a jerk. I always will 8e, it's part of my nature. I'm just not good with social interaction. You try to 8e good at it when you grew up killing innocent trolls to feed your guardian, and telling yourself it was okay 8ecause they were weak.

8ut now I know that I will never be indespensi8le. And most of all, I know that I need people.

I can't...

I can't do this alone.

...

I need help.

...

I'm weak.

...

I'm weak and alone and shattered, and I've already seen you die once.

...

And I know people see me as a 8itch, 8ut I do have a heart. And i don't think I could take it if I lost you again.

I've lost too much and pretended that I never cared.

8ut I do.

I always did. Deep down, I always needed help.

I need help!

I need you.

So whatever I do, past, present, future, I'm sorry.

I'm s8 s8rry.

And i know I don't deserve forgiveness from anyone. Ever.

8ut...

The humans have this word. It's called Mercy. Or is it Grace?

Shit I don't remem8er.

8ut...

Will you forgive me?

Will you accept me for who I am?

All my flaws?

Will you help me?

Please?


End file.
